For the first time in I don’t know how long I’m working on my laptop. I’m sitting here completing my portfolio for work and I think “what the hey lets have a look and see what I’ve done off my life list” and I realise its been nearly 3 years since I’ve visited here, since I’ve written. And then I realise just how much my life has changed in those three years and I am awed at the passing of time.

I am now no longer the mum of an about to be 1 year old I am the mum of an about to be 4 year old AND an about to be 2 year old!!! I have not one but two children a boy and a girl and I am blessed. They are happy, healthy and loving. Don’t get me wrong they are wee sh*tes when they want to be, they are stubborn, loud, opinionated, trying and unaware of the time and effort you give them each day. But they are also kind, polite, funny, intelligent, awe inspiring and beautiful in equal measures and I am thankful every day that I have them.

I am back at work pretty much full time now and am plagued with the eternal mum guilt alongside filled with joy that I do a job I generally love. But I am at a time in my life were i feel ambitious but I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know what I want to do in the future but at this point in time I know it’s not time for work it’s time for being there for my family and allowing everything else to just be.

I’m also in my thirties now (shock horror) and I don’t feel any different. Your age is just a number people. The only thing that has changed is now I like gin….a lot…..but i doubt there’s a direct correlation between loving gin and age.

My life has changed a lot in three years in small non-specific ways. I have kept all my good friends close and near my heart. I have coffee/cocktail/dinners/cinema dates with those close at hand, using every public holiday as an excuse to have a get together. For those further away we have whatsapp and facebook and epic weekends with too much corn smoked chicken and cocktails. I have kept my family close, gained a sister-in-law and am hopeful will gain another one soon and I hope in time we are lucky enough for cousins to be added to the fold. My friends are getting married, engaged, falling in love, having babies and allowing me to share at all times in their joy. I am still with the other half who keeps me grounded yet unexpectedly will lift me up with declarations of love or just a surprise chocolate bar here and there.

My life may not be exciting but while excitement is desirable it can not be sustained indefinitely. I am like everyone else I have times were I wish I could escape, be someone different, somewhere different doing something different. But that’s human nature is it not…if we didn’t have people who embraced this feeling nothing would change in this world, no advancements would be made, no groundbreaking achievements accomplished. However that is not me; I’m not a groundbreaker, a world changing. I am however the queen of my own world and that’s enough for me. I have stability, constant love, security and happiness and for that I will be eternally grateful.

Anyway enough philosophising for me before I get to heavy or deep. I will try to come back more often even just to record all the new things I have tried cooking or baking or the new books I’m reading (and maybe then I will stop reading romance novels I get for free off bookbub). Maybe I’ll just take a chance to be a bit more self aware and thankful who knows. Either way I am going to go do the thing I originally set out to do and see if I’ve achieved any of my life list in the time I’ve been away.

 

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My son is a year old tomorrow!! He’s going to be 1 and it feels like only yesterday we met him!

This time last year I was packing my bag to get ready to go into hospital to get induced. I was sitting with a massive bump feeling him squirm and wiggle inside me still calling him mini Murray as I didn’t know what gender he was. My life was less than 24hours away from changing forever!

And what a change it has been!! Anyone who says their life won’t change when they have a baby is either delusional, incredibly selfish or very rich and as such can have a 24hour nanny to look after their tot for them. You simply can not anticipate the overwhelming love you feel, the fierce protectiveness that appears from no where and the utter joy you feel just looking at this little human baby that is so much a part of you yet so much their own little individual.

Every day I discover something new about him like how quickly he crawls, how he’s a daddy’s boy (and my heart breaks a tiny bit at this fact), how he’s so close to walking yet just lack that little bit of courage to throw himself forward with wild abandon, how he get more tickly every day or how he could gobble up a punnet of blueberries in less than 5 minutes if you let him. Let us not forget personalities either, how he’s gone from shy babies who cried if left alone to complete flirts who love nothing more than a stranger smiling at him or saying hello, how I hope with all my heart that because he like to sit and look through all his books that he’ll be a book worm at heart and I can share Harry Potter, the Dark Materials trilogy and so many more things with him.

I could spend hours and days and weeks writing about how much I love my boy but simply put

Happy Birthday Son may this be the first of many many more and may each be more joyous than the last!

As I’m sitting here hoping my son settles himself down to his nap (trying a new routine always a tense day) and i catch myself automatically saying to myself how much of a handful he is. But today i realise i need to catch myself on and be so very thankful for the son i have. Yes he may not be a big sleeper during the day but 5 nights out of 7 if not more he sleeps from 7.30-7 right through. Yes he never stops and has a very short attention span but this is because he’s a curious outgoing adventurous boy who at the tender age of 11 and a half months seems to want to experience life at the fullest. Yes he needs constant attention and stimulation but you take him anywhere new with new things to look at or lots of people to see you would be hard pushed to find a happier, more contented child. Yes there are times i just want to get a moment to myself but that’s my issue not his. My son is a happy, healthy, outgoing, beautiful boy who is perfect. I have been lucky enough in life to not have a child with any physical or mental disabilities and no matter how hard i find it there’s always someone having a much harder time than me. So while my feelings are legitimate i am going to always be humbled by how lucky i am and appreciate every moment i have with my most precious companion in life

Bettering is that even a word? But i have decided that for the sake of my motivation it is and I’m doing it. As i lie in bed with my stomach muscles (there ain’t no abs here and core just sounds like a phantom concept) aching from just finishing t25 total body circuit i am feeling both very pleased with myself and slightly bemused as to why I’m actually putting myself through all this.

2013 was a great year for me i had my beautiful baby, i bought and eventually moved into my first home it was a year of big change and big adjustments. It was also the year i lost myself slightly. My delivery was horrendous there is no other word to describe it and i was shook up about it for a long long time. I also lost a lot of blood so had a haemoglobin in my boots which meant i had no energy, no strength, no drive. So slightly traumatised and physically drained i entered first time motherhood and boy did i push myself to the brink. For six week i fed my son myself with very little milk and very little sleep. I pushed myself to the point were i didn’t like him, i wanted to cry when he cried and when alone in the day looking after him i would practically melt down. Then when i finally gave myself a break and put him on the bottle i started to find myself again. My humour returned, my smile reemerged life got good again. Motherhood finally began to be enjoyable i could appreciate my healthy happy son.

So 2013 went by and i realised as my son got older and i started thinking of baby number 2 i needed to do 2things for myself.
1) i needed to get fit…this wasn’t just for me it was for my family as well. Being a naturally slender person I’ve never had to worry about weight but fact is the mere thought of running after a small child left me exhausted. As i want to gain strength and get toned. Now i know I’m going to do all this and then hopefully get pregnant and itl be ruined but hopefully it would also improve the next pregnancy before during and after!!

2) i needed something for me. It’s very easy to get caught up in motherhood, to become consumed by the best way to wean your child, to encourage learning, an adventurous spirit and so much more. I needed a hobby to try and retain a part of me. So my wonderful other half bought me a sewing machine for Christmas and I’ve already made cushions. They certainly aren’t perfect by any means but i made them i accomplished something new and there’s a physical reminder of that for me every day!!

So as i lie here with aching non existent abs i know exactly why I’m doing this to myself. Its for my physical and mental well being and it’s also for my family to because a happy mummy and wife means a happy baby and husband.

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As I lay in bed last night attempting to get comfortable while not falling off the bed I wondered how I ended in this situation. I have a king sized bed so how did I end up with such little room? Fact is I was sharing my bed that night not only with my husband but my nearly a year old son too and both boys were very comfortable unlike muggins here. But the fact remains why was my baby (he’s still a baby even though he’s nearly one, nearly walking, nearly talking and please don’t tell me otherwise) sharing my bed. It’s something that’s drilled into us in all walks of life “It’s best to avoid bed-sharing” or “Bed-sharing linked to S.I.D.S”  or the often recycled headline “Mum suffocates baby in her sleep”. We are advised not to bed-share yet here I am doing it and it’s not for the first time either.

When my son was born after the horrendous delivery I had I wanted nothing more than to hold him all day, to let him sleep on my chest, to breath in his scent and be thankful of every new moment I had him there safe in my arms. But then when it came to night time and I put him in his cold lonely plastic hospital cot funnily enough he wouldn’t settled. The midwife looking after me chastised me in a you should really know better kind of way “Was he in his cot at all today?” she asked knowing full well the answer was no. Then when he was returned to me after being taken away to give me an hours respite the auxiliary put him to sleep in bed beside me and I nearly had kittens “I can’t bed share it’s not safe I’m too tired” etc etc etc. However she simply told me that he’d settle better this way and I went with it and surprise surprise she was right. So we bed shared again the following night and in fact for many nights after that (it took him a long time to like his moses basket and we just weren’t getting any sleep!). In the early days my ever suffering husband was kicked out of bed into the spare room (though in hindsight he probably slept like a log and thought it was great) but now we all bunk together (mostly because there’s no spare room anymore).

It isn’t something I practice every night (I could cry just thinking of that happening but that could be the sleepless night playing with my emotions) but sometimes for the sake of your sanity and also for your wee toots emotional well being you just need to bring him in and snuggle up give him the reassurance he needs….hopefully you’re lucky and you’ll be able to get him back into his cot and get your bed to yourself. But also beware babies are sneaky little buggers who know a good thing when it happens sometimes its worth pacing up and down your nursery for an hour just so you don’t get a cry wolf baby who won’t sleep in his own cot…this is a fact I try to remember as I dream of warm cosy beds whilst pacing at 3am and all I want to do is break and snuggle him in. Ah to have a wonderful baby who always sleeps the whole night and is never bothered by wind or teeth or colds or illness…I take comfort in knowing such babies don’t exist.

it’s been so long since i did a post i genuinely can’t remember what i wrote about…no doubt something all consuming about motherhood (hardly surprising as at the start for a first time mum i found motherhood to be just that ALL CONSUMING!!!). But time has passed and while my days are generally still full with the wee man I’m slowly starting to want to find myself again. 2014 was the year i wanted to find something that was just mine and I’m working on it.

i got a sewing machine for Christmas and that’s something I’m excited about. The very patient mother in law is teaching clueless me and my first project is going to be a set of cushions for the living room. The end aim is hopefully i get good enough to make myself some clothes but finding the time that’s the challenge.

I’ve also starting looking after myself a bit better. In a kick to try and get my other half to get back to his fighting weight (that’s a saying right cause i would never encourage actual fighting) we have started t25 focus together. Now i am really unfit i mean major unfit but i am also slightly underweight but i also have a bit of a mummy tummy (not noticeable to anyone but me but I’m still aware of it) so I’m trying to get the right balance of toning and hopefully gaining muscle. Now we’re only on day 3 and i am rubbish no other word for it. I’m doing the easy modified option but i spend the majority of the time being awfully uncoordinated shouting “what do i do?show me what the modifiers doing!!!” hopefully it will get better lol

so all this effort and 2014 is also the year i hope to get pregnant again lol am i wasting my time? Here goes hoping that all this actually helps me to get pregnant more easily this time rather than 18months of heartache and worry and hopefully fitter healthier me will be fertile healthy me lol

So I haven’t posted since May but I guess that’s because so much has changed in my life and I didn’t want to jinx things until they came into being.

I have in the time since we last spoke managed to accomplish 2 major things from my life list…I have bought a house and most importantly I have had a baby!!!!

I’m not sure which to talk about first…as I sit here listening to my baby fussing as he tries to fill his nappy (too much information possibly but if you knew my son you would realise that farting and filling nappies is a large part of his existence) do i gush about him, tell you the horror story of his birth, how he has utterly changed my life for the better? Or do I start more calm and civilised discussing how I got my current dream house in a prime location with a garden with rhubarb growing, an apple tree and a quince bush in the garden?

Who am I kidding all I wanna talk about is my precious James.

How do I describe the whole experience from trying to get pregnant to being pregnant to him finally being here? It took 18 long heartbreaking months to get pregnant…it took a fertility monitor and very nearly ended in a visit to the fertility clinic in the hospital but thankfully it all happened on its own. I remember feeling sick and it being the day my period was due and hoping and praying. I went out for lunch with my mum and despite saying I was going to wait at least a week before doing a test I went home did a test and it was positive!!!! the memory still makes me cry with joy!

Then the hyperemesis started! thankfully it only lasted about 18weeks and only 6 of them were so bad that I had to just lie in bed and try not to boak! But after that time I loved my pregnancy…the first time you feel your baby kick or you see it bounce about on scan or you hear its heart racing along on the sonicad nothing can ever compare to that experience.

And then I went through the induction process…despite eating pineapple, taking raspberry leaf tablets, walking ridiculous distances and bouncing on the ball mini Murray just wasn’t for shifting. So in I went to hospital and got started. The first pessary was pretty uneventful I just ended up sitting in my bed reading my book while listening to the woman next bed to me contract away. Then came the second pessary and a very thorough sweep I started contracting nearly straight away. I probably managed about an hour and a half before I gave in and asked for some pain killers…which i quickly throw up…and then I kept going for about another hour but thing was I was contracting every 1-2minutes which really isn’t how things are meant to be. But of course being a midwife and being in the hospital I work in I was worried about being the worlds worst patient so I held off as long as i could but pretty soon I had to press the buzzer and let someone know. Needless to say my idea of just using gas and air for pain relief was promptly going out the window. I mean I wasn’t roaring or crying or making a scene but fact was I was only at 3cms and I needed gas and air already so how was I going to cope for the other 7cms!!! so decision was made to go to labour ward and take the remi. So up I went and got the remi and pretty soon I was out of it…however mini Murray was not happy…they were listening in and there were massive dips in the heart beat so they broke my waters and then took a wee blood sample from his head…next thing I knew I was being told that the ph was low which means that baby was distressed and they had to go straight to section!!!Now when you have a fear of general anaesthetic its pretty scary to be told whats going on and I can honestly say the moments just before I was put to sleep were pretty darn frightening.

But at 06.09 on the 1st March 2013 my beautiful baby boy James was born weighing 8lbs 14oz and life since then has not been the same it has been so so much better!!!

but on that note my baby is upset so I need to go have some cuddle time. I may once again never post as life is taking over but I will try and update hopefully x

So I’m sat in bed (a luxury I can afford because I don’t start work til 1 one of the benefits of shift work), I just finished a massive cup of tea (and as I haven’t instantly needed to pee (worlds tiniest bladder) I’m assuming I was pretty dehydrated), I have scanned the internet for vital information (what’s happening in the world of celebrity and of course has Hawaii 5 0 been renewed for a thrid season (for those who care the glorious answer is yes)) and I just finished a lovely Nature Valley crunch bar (ginger nut flavour) and the highlight of my day so far is the fact that the currently being digested bar seemed very thick it was almost like I had been given the equivalent of two bars in one and that made me very happy!!!

It’s the simple things in life isn’t it, or at least that’s what they say. But today is a good day so far and I’m hopeful it stays that way and I will try with all my might to keep it so.

I was also on my lovely friend Emmas blog and I noticed that she had nominated me for The Versatile Blogger award which was a complete unexpected surprise considering I blog about once a month and it’s generally about how little I’ve actaully done with my time heh (there is a fancy wee picture thing that you are supposed to stick on your post but of course I can’t figure out to do it so you’ll unfortunately have to use your imagination…its a green square with fancy writing and it looks mighty nice).

One of the conditions of this nomination is that you have to let the world know seven things about you they might not know. Now the few people that actually read this blog know me very well so this is unlikely to be news to them (I often say things like they are including things about myself so not much of a closed book) but here goes anyway

1. The reason I taught myself how to cook was because the running joke in my family was that if I even thought about cooking I gave people food poisoning so I had to prove them wrong…that and I was getting married and I felt I had to be able to cook more than pasta and baked beans for my husband to be (and I call myself a feminist)

2. I am incredibly flighty with hobbies and have never been able to find something I enjoy enough to actually dedicate constant time too (my bros seemed to get all the obsessiveness in my family)

3. I don’t stand for e-books or mp3 as I like owning things and having physical evidence that they are mine (when it comes to dvds, cds and books I am ridiculously materialistic)

4. I have a complete irrational fear of sharks so much so I’ve never even watched jaws and when watching documentaries about sea life (cursing having a marine biologist for a husband) my palms sweat and my heart races at the sight of a shark.

5. I occasionally have prophetic dreams normally about people being pregnant or else what sex the baby is going to be…they happen very rarely but I’m not discounting it as my mum has them too

6. I feel lucky every day for what I have in my life but I still yearn for what I don’t…I try not to be jealous of those who have it but occasionally my heart breaks and I shed a few tears (and what that is will be obvious to some but not a secret I’m willing to share with everyone just yet)

7. I have a massive crush of David Attenborough…I know the man is ancient but boy does he have a wonderful voice and so many amazing life experiences I imagine there’s life in the old dog yet lol

I also need to nominate some other bloggers for you lovely people to explore and hopefully appreciate

Brown eyed baker

Joy the Baker

Esther

Catherine

Emma– I know Emma nominated me from her blog but I am inviting you all to explore her Pink Ink blog, if you have any interest at all in Graphic Novels or comic books this is the place to go…Amazon has made a lot of money from me due to this site.

And so life continues on and I have managed two posts in one month, I have baked several times this month which was another aim from Aprils post, I have seen several good movies (Avengers Assemble (twice) Serenity etc), I have seens several not so good movies, I have read good books and not so good books and I look forward to spending time in the sun with lovely friends…so May has been a good month.

I probably do another post being nostalgic about turning 27 (1 week people) about how awesome 26 has been but most likely I won’t as there is only so long one can put off cleaning dishes, putting away washing and of course having a shower before work. But todays post I enjoyed writing and I hope you all enjoyed reading it

 

So it appears I’m getting round to posting about once a month and that’s normally only prompted by the fact that another month has passed so quickly and I don’t feel as if I’ve accomplished anything!!!

I kept a grand total of none of my promises for April…I did not walk I did not knit I did not bake once a week!! I have not taken photos I have not explored a new hobby

I did get a wetsuit though in the hope of starting a new hobby of paddle boarding…Andrew is really into the idea and we are currently saving for boards which will take a long time I can assure you of that!! But i figure I’ve always loved water sports why should I not like this…and its great for your core so hopefully I’ll start being all buff and healthy lol

Life passes you by so quickly without you even noticing…life becomes a blur of work then home then bed then work again. When you have a day off you’re so tired you spend most of it sleeping or feeling isolated as you dont have a car! You need to grab life while you can people you just need to get the motivation…so send it my way please help me live my life and stop getting caught up on all thats not working for me and ignoring what is working lol

 

So a nice day off from work and I really should write a post…surely something interesting must have happened in my life???

It would really seem not ha! My life still consists of work then home then back to work again and that’s my fault really what with there being 24 usable hours in each day apparently.

In fact it got to the point last week were the hubby and I were like ships that passed in the night…I was out then I was working long day then he was out we hardly saw each other at all. So I have decided to make a pact as such to try and get more enjoyment out of my free time. It’s kinda like a happiness project except I am no where near as organised or dedicated to the whole project as this lady here.

It’s just going to be a case of a couple of things which I should be doing that I’m not and by making it official (kind of like my life list) then I’ll make more of an effort to do it. And I’m also hoping that by doing these things it will have a knock on effect of destressing me and making me enjoy life more which will hopefully have another knock on effect of getting certain things in my life that I’m trying to make happen happen.

So here’s some ideas:

At least once during the working week come rain or shine I am going to go for a long walk instead of sitting and watching tv.

At least once a month I will have a day at the seaside because the sound and smell of the ocean makes me happy.

I am going to bake one day every week as baking also makes me happy.

The husband and I will have a proper date night at least once every two weeks…it doesn’t have to be fancy but it’s at least one night were we make an effort to spend time together (and I’ll even straighten my hair heh).

I will try to keep a tidy house to stop the place looking a mess and my husband huffing.

When I am at home and I want to relax I will not watch crap on the tv I will instead knit or read a book something relaxing but vaguely productive.

Any more suggestions are greatly welcome as my life needs to change if I don’t want it to slip by in an uneventful blur (though that being said hawaii 5 0 is still very much remaining part of my life as you can never have enough steve mcgarrett heh)